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am i live'n it right?

i guess ive just got all sorts of things roaming my brain as of late. i don't want to mess anything up, in thinking too much. but for some reason, he's got me at that point. is it that he just gets me? or i get him? is it though even in the silent moments, we know, what's going in with each other and whats being thought of? it's in his eyes when he gives me that devious of grins before he kisses me. it's in his unspoken words, with just that look. my mouth has gotten me into trouble over many issues before. i don't want to say something, or do something that's uncalled for, even if jokingly, to test the waters so to speak. in my rambling full throttled brain, i've already let him make a niche in my heart, i don't want to back off or slow down, yet part of me is putting on the breaks saying Hello? who is he really and what does he want with you? in the shower just now, amongst my replay of our date, and through strong feelings and thoughts, i doubted who he was and what his intentions were. it makes me sad. has everything with Rick tarnished me that much? or am i just being cautious, guarded until im sure? there were so many things i thought i knew about Rick, until my dad proved it wrong on paper through the background checks. i don't want this to happen again. a sick feeling in me, is that had things not gone the way they did, i would still be married to Rick, pretending for Chris's sake, and would have missed out on meeting and falling hopefully in mush with Eric. i need to run so i shall yap more about my scrambles later. <3

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October 2008
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